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Becoming I

This is the story of a boy and his path. Story of him becoming I.

Times he felt so deeply pushed away he created a magical shield that protected him from the world. Gave him warmth and strength. Allowed him to be able to brave each day a little bit better despite being kicked and spat on. This magical shield that illuminated pain into unreality. And every time threat appeared he turned away from it playing his own version. One with never hurting love, where sickness didn't exist and trust was a true knights virtue.

Place where he prevented me from living...


He pushed into the surface around him. There was resilience. But unlike any other walls he ever felt this was warm. Smooth with organic feel to it. Despite discomfort there was a familiar feeling deep within him.

And that sound. That repetitive thumping bass enrapturing his entire being. Causing his cells to withhold oxygen supplies to bare minimum.


The flow. Moments between beats. Net of electricity sparkling signals. Opening pores interconnecting in with out. Sipping knowledge passed through generations. Stale currents bringing sensations of know yet forgotten.

He opened his mouth. The cavity formed and ejected meaty tongue. He licked the softness of the cell with the tip of his curiosity…


Then I forgot. I formed that vail of alternative memories and adapted so no harm could enter my life.

And so I stayed upon my body. Inhaling through my pores. Absorbing outer signals with an attention to moment. My hand shifted from left to right creating a puncture in between the fabric of time. I reached deep. The cosmic lights flooded through my fingers. So intense there was a sound. A gentle crack of the melting resilience then trickling of energy entered with a smooth passage. I circled my fingers exploring the unknown thrusting deeper into the new places forming in between my fingers. Soft warmth spreading with comfort upon the touch. Dry yet accessible. The shape of reality bending changing with every move. Dance of atoms. The moment stretching backwards and forwards without the glitch repeating, patiently seeking the perfect groove. Smooth sound of balance.

He raised his head. Filled with pain there was new awaking feeling. Curiosity fed by hunger to seek. To resume the process of living. Accompanied by the sound of the breeze smoothing the surface of ground. Each particle of sand shifting until it laid soft. Micro sounds forming a grand orchestra of loud peace. His ears filling up recharging brain with present awareness. Nothing seemed equal to known. Everything familiar yet anew...


He touched his forehead. There was warmth that opened with a stream of forgotten memories. Every time he touched there was a glitch, a signal shoot through his body triggering different place. His fingers twitched. From highly sensitive responses to overwhelming numbness confusion formed. For that moment between pain and non existence there was only silence in the air. Being all white in its nature it formed perception of safety and comfort yet something felt wrong. There was a spinning sound of the void absorbing everything into itself. Mercilessly ripping days as they were into moments of forgotten non-importance. Everything went white. No shadows were allowed. So overexposed even light lost its matter. The sipping continued bringing back fragments to surface. Black flakes of the past stained the purity with life energy. Blood soaking through the fabric brought awareness.

Melody returned...


And as I laid with my back to surface I felt micro cuts forming. So many feelings come to the skin and gathered. After years of carefully collecting them in the deepest places all tiny vaults started to lift releasing past. Every moment I got hurt I absorbed the impact deeply together with pain and tears. Nicely wrapped it and presented to myself. How could I not accept gifts from self. Painful ones translated into my own DNA. I knew how to reach the rawest places and inject directly pain I felt I deserved. Oh the anger never released. Self formed viral load projected into depths of my being. I only tried to stay lovely and loved and whichever way pain struck I accepted and never questioned it. So it grew within, spreading the poison, one there was no medication for as I trusted it was part of me and how could I attack my own self? Autoimmune non existence.

And each kick I received went much deeper than only a bruise, each unkind word penetrated my brain, then heart slowly spilling the blackness into my system. In a fear of rejection I took it all so deep like it belonged. I allowed to be bullied powerless with loss.

And in that process of losing my integrity I formed self hate that started removing every little particle of light there was putting it away in the darkest rooms starving it off oxygen and love.

I projected rejection on myself and when I used all my innocence up I started firing the pain into the outer world. Each person who entered, every new situation that formed received that silent revenge from me. Battling it so hard there would be no beauty left only despair and sadness.

As my body, heart and soul were in so much pain I attacked goodness from outside feeling resentment. How could anyone feel beauty and love, pride and kindness, safety and trust when I was empty of those? Silent anger formed and attacked anything I loved leaving the landscapes of war behind. Cold, dirty, dark and empty with sadness and tears.

But as the pain grew and nourishing it was only action I knew, emptiness grew so much it pushed my skin to maximum of its capacity. My body expanded I couldn't recognise it anymore. More armour for anger and disappointment. I confused lack of love with protection, separation with safety... and it grew cold and ugly yet with the strength of the lava. Confusion spread paralysing my abilities to access reality. I become my past, my pain, my anger.

But the capacity overflown and as I couldn't contain anymore it started cracking. First micro tears. Ones I couldn't see they only would leave me in constant itch and as I was scratching it to release the pain a little blood would start appearing under my finger nails. With a faint feelings, blurry moments of years of overwhelmness I couldn't stop. I got addicted to uncovering and release. Each object I excavated from depths of my inner cosmos I examined. The process of understanding felt so indulgent yet there was no return path. I had to do it. Take each happening out and unwrap it. Take away acclaimed emotions and stare into raw pain of the past.

Scratching the Surface yet with each layer removed new surface formed and endless process of discovery has taken place...


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